Charlemagne Dynamite - 11/3/11
Shock Development: Republican Race Gets Much More Interesting
In the wake of Rick Perry’s flamboyant flame out and Herman Cain’s on-going meltdown, anti-Romney forces have found a new man, a man who lives vicariously through himself, who’s feelings on the issues focus groups want to know - yes, The Most Interesting Man in the World!
The surprise move, surely to leave analysts agog, was prompted according to unnamed sources by a recent write-up in the Huffington Post:
I inquire if he’d “live in the hills of the Serengeti for a summer after being gifted a wife by local tribesmen,” and his reaction is telling: “Is she Catherine Deneuve beautiful or does she look like Snooki?” he asks. He says if it was the former situation, he’d probably do it.
“I’m pretty open to anything,” he says. “If there is any reason to do it and the results won’t be harmful, I’m probably in.” >link<
The intriguing comment was not only timely but too much for disaffected Republicans to resist. Ironically, the tipping point was apparently occasioned by someone digging up an arcane comment by Paul Krugman, fretting that the Dos Equis front man may, by his very ebullient excess, prove the existence of a free lunch. Before anyone had time to say ‘bold stroke’, GOP brahmins had already drafted him into the primary process. The next debate should prove, at the very least, most interesting.
“Women don’t accuse him of sexual harrassment, they pine for it, regarless of his natural aversion to pick up lines”, said one giddy operative. “TMIMITW 4 teh win!”, remarked another, normally solemn looking intern, who continued unphased in the face of natural inquires over TMIMITW’s foreign policy experience: “Playing Canasta with Reagan in Reykjavik, he wagered shaving his beard up against Ronnie signing a deal with Gorbachev. We know who lost. But more than that, we know what sacrifice he risked for the sake of ending the Cold War.” I always thought that bit about Nancy and her astrologers was a bit far fetched.
His candidacy, however, has already resulted in some friction - and concern. Donald Trump had eagerly volunteered to co-star in an ad blitz but is said to be simmering after being rebuffed, as TMIMITW flicked his cigar while casually likening “the essence” of Donald’s coiffe to rollerblading. Across town a concerned Obama advisor, formerly bemused by Newt Gingrich’s “Lincoln/Douglas” debate proposal, expressed unalloyed alarm saying, “Good God man, he put Steven Hawking in a wheelchair.” Apparently, when asked to share his calculations regarding cosmological issues at the event horizons of black holes, he told Hawking “since a key ontological variable in the solution involves reflective consciousness, I prefer that you do the math yourself.” The source went on to remark, “Not since Russell withered before Wittgenstein’s impatience does history record a more devastating encounter - neither man was ever the same again.”
Indeed, his reputation does seem to be expanding faster than the universe. But how will a man who usually expresses reservations and avoids the public limelight deal with a campaign crucible which has already disfigured such a slew of promising candidates? Sure he’s the only man to ever ace a Rorschach Test, but the harrowing rigours of a Presidential campaign? Still, he only winks with the gleaming eyes of a man who knows who let the dogs out. “Its never too late to start padding your obituary.”
“Handling and cunning image projection would be superfluous”, according to Karl Rove, only expressing fears that his services may not be needed. “He’s a sick puppy, totally beyond my advice; I mean he once drowned a man in the fountain of youth for revealing that Warren Buffet asks him for stock tips - and his only bout with superstition was not that masturbation would make him blind but, rather, that it would make his hand invisible - and, frankly, that may just be what this economy needs.”
In a slight but measurable way, I began to find myself affected somehow. Though its only this reporter’s surmise, so has the Romney campaign which has refused all comment. Anne Coulter’s ravenous speculation may prove telling: “Remember George Kastanza asking Jerry ‘You told her about the shrinkage right?’ This a testicular moment Mitt never bargained for. Right now he’s getting a prescription for ‘Low T’ and no doubt will show up at the next debate sporting a beard - and an updated organ donor card.”
Stay thirsty for more as the story unfolds. This is one candidacy that doesn’t taste like chicken.